i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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