I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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