i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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