I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
