I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
