I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
