My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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