is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
