The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
