I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
