ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Two words: blizzard sex
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
