I'm jealous of your bromance
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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