Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
