I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
