At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
