I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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