why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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