Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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