He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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