She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
