he looks like a really good dad on facebook
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
