I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
