I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
