i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
