New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
