I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
