i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
