Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
