If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
