Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
