I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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