1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
