dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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