BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
