last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
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Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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