oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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