I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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