Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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