I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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