Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
