HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
MIDGETS
????
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
