just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
