Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
