my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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