One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
