I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Can I color on your dick again?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
