FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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