my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
