dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
