How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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