shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
