Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
