how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
