I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
