I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
