for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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