Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
